Let he who rocks the hardest, let him teach them how to roll;
He who all melodies possesses should teach all the students;
He shall impart his tasty riffs, and so they share it together.
Gilgamesh was the best guitar player in all the lands. He was the undisputed King of The Six String, but he was not well liked by his subjects. He harshly critiqued their shredding and stole their groupies. One day, they had enough and complained to the rock n’roll Gods, “Gods in Heaven! Gilgamesh has no one to challenge him! He selfishly leaves no sons in the bands of their fathers, and no groupies to the other players!”
The Gods answered, “Okay, well Aruru created the men of rock n’ roll, so she shall create a rival for Gilgamesh!” And thus, Aruru created a new man, Enkidu, with long flowing hair in the likeness of the 80’s metal lords. And he traveled with the hippies, and drank of their kombucha, and smoked their leaf. He played their drums and their acoustic guitars.
One day a bass player happened upon Enkidu, and when he returned home, was saddened. “Oh father!” the bass player exclaimed, “I have found one who rival’s Gilgamesh in excellence, but he plays not the electric guitar, and he lives among the hippies! I have set my axe out day after day, but not will he set his hands upon it!” The father replied, “My son, no one has ever defeated Gilgamesh in a rock off. Go to him and tell him of an amazing acoustic player, and he will send with you one of his groupies. Only then shall the other hippies forsake him.”
And so the bass player found Gilgamesh and told him of Enkidu, and Gilgamesh said, “Take this groupie to meet this man, and afterwards the other hippies shall forsake him.” The bass player took the groupie to meet Enkidu, who was very enamored with her and her stories of rock n’ roll. They chilled together for six days and seven nights, after which Enkidu turned towards the other hippies, but they turned away from him, knowing he was now converted to the life of rock. The groupie spoke to him, “You shred lightning Fast, Enkidu, and you shall be like a God. Come with me to Uruk, the crib of Gilgamesh, who is perfect in his sweeps.” Enkidu replied, “Take me then to Gilgamesh, who is perfect in his sweeps, and I will challenge him.”
Enkidu and the groupie began towards Uruk, and she presented him with an electric guitar. The groupie said, “Enkidu, play on this axe, for it is life; play also with this pick, which is the custom of the country.” “Enkidu played until his fingers bled, and his heart was glad. Another man walked by, and Enkidu asked him where he was going. The man replied, “I am on my way to Uruk, come with me and challenge Gilgamesh, who steals all of our groupies.” Enkidu and the two others entered Uruk, where they spied Gilgamesh following another groupie backstage. Enkidu blocked his path and challenged him to a rock off. They shred furiously while all of Uruk had to put in their ear plugs. Finally, Gilgamesh performed the tastiest lick, and Enkidu said to him, “You are the fastest player, blessed directly by the Gods, and Enlil has chosen you as lead of all lead guitar players.”
The two guitar players quickly became friends and joined the same band. They dreamt of becoming the greatest band ever. One day, Gilgamesh to Enkidu said, “I am determined to go to the Forrest of Cedars in order to cut down the trees and harvest the best tone-wood for our new guitars.” Enkidu replied, “But Humbaba, the Red Rocker of the forest with flames on his fingers, dwells there, and to challenge him would be foolish and we would surely be defeated.” Gilgamesh replied, “My friend, death comes for us all, but if we lose, at least I will be remembered as Gilgamesh, who challenged Humbaba! I am determined to cut them down and create a guitar, to be famous forever!”
Gilgamesh and Enkidu took their gear to the Forest of the Cedars and challenged Humbaba. After playing the most melodic solos, Humbaba said to them, “Gilgamesh, spare me and let me join your band, and I will be your servant.” Enkidu warned Gilgamesh that Humbaba might then scheme to become to lead player, and so, taking no chances, Gilgamesh finished Humbaba.
Upon their return to Uruk, Ishtar, Goddess of groupies, decided she desperately wanted to hook up with Gilgamesh. But he spurned her, saying, “Ishtar, I have seen what happened to the other players who have hooked up with you, and so I say, no thanks.” Ishtar was enraged and asked her father, the God Anu, to punished Gilgamesh. Anu sent down The Bull of Rock to punish them, but together Gilgamesh and Enkidu defeated it in a craze of dueling guitar solos. The Gods decided that Gilgamesh should be punished, and Enkidu became seriously ill, until he passed on, and he could no longer rock.
Gilgamesh was overcome with grief. How was he supposed to create the most legendary band on his own? He couldn’t stop thinking about the end of his own playing days as well. He determined he needed to find Utnapishtim, the most legendary rocker ever, to ask how he obtained eternal life. He traveled through a mountain, in total darkness for 24 hours, until he emerged into a beautiful luthier shop, full of guitars and guitar accessories. He saw the luthier, Sidura, who said to him, “Why do you waste your energy, Gilgamesh? Why do you look so crappy, why do you seem so depressed, and why is your happiness gone?”
Gilgamesh replied, “It is not that I have wasted my energy or look like crap. My bandmate, Enkidu, no longer is around to rock. Is this also what shall happen to me? To lay down my axe forever?” Sidura replied, “Gilgamesh, you will never be able to rock forever. Fill your belly with beer, play a solo with every song, crowd surf on your fans, and enjoy what you can. Utnapishtim’s pad lies across the ocean of the Waters of Death, which no one has ever crossed because it is too metal for the average rocker. If you must, you can find the only man that can cross, Urshanabi, the roadie of Utnapishtim.” Gilgamesh took his guitar and went to see Urshanabi.
Gilgamesh found Urshanabi and demanded he take him to the Legendary Rocker. Urshanabi replied, “Why do you waste your energy, Gilgamesh? Why do you look so crappy, why do you seem so depressed, and why is your happiness gone?” Gilgamesh replied back, “It is not that I have wasted my energy or look like crap. My bandmate, Enkidu, no longer is around to rock. Is this also what shall happen to me? To lay down my axe forever?” Urshanabi decided that Gilgamesh seemed talented enough and that he wasn’t paid enough for this anyway, so they boarded a ship and for three days sailed until they arrived at the Waters of Death. Urshanabi instructed Gilgamesh to keep playing, but to never let his guitar touch the Waters of Death.
When they arrived at the pad of Utnapishtim, he said to Gilgamesh, “Why do you waste your energy, Gilgamesh? Why do you look so crappy, why do you seem so depressed, and why is your happiness gone?” Gilgamesh replied back, “It is not that I have wasted my energy or look like crap. My bandmate, Enkidu, no longer is around to rock. Is this also what shall happen to me? To lay down my axe forever?” Utnapishtim said, “Does anyone build a guitar that will last forever, or sign a record contract for all time?” Gilgamesh looked upon him, “Legendary Rocker, you don’t look a day over 30 and you run through your scales as quickly as those who practice three hours a day, tell me how you achieved everlasting life?”
Utnapishtim tells Gilgamesh his story: That the Gods told him to build the ultimate guitar, that could survive all humidity conditions and will always play. He constructed it exactly as they requested and wiped out all others in the Great Flood. And in return the Gods granted him everlasting life. And then he said, “Before you return to Uruk, Gilgamesh, I will tell you of the Pick of Destiny. If you find this pick, you will be a Rock God forever. To obtain it, you must out rock the Waters of Death.”
Gilgamesh returned to the Waters of Death and played heaviest riff he could muster. The Waters revealed The Pick of Destiny, and Gilgamesh exclaimed, “I shall return to Uruk with this pick, and I shall rock there forever!” On the return to Uruk, while Gilgamesh was pouring beer from a tap, The Pick fell from his pocket and disappeared through a crack in the floor, and he cursed loudly.
Upon returning to Uruk, Gilgamesh knew he would never be able to rock forever. He mourned Enkidu and wished to speak with him beyond the grave. He visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and asked the proprietor how to avoid the summoning of rock spirits. The proprietor answered, “Gilgamesh, to avoid rock spirits, when you visit the Hall of Fame, make sure your BO is ripe, so as to keep them away. Do not bring a sweet new Gibson and play it, or it might attract those who played Gibsons. Do not bring a sweet new Fender, or it might attract those who played Fenders. Do not bring a sweet new Jackson, or it might attract those who played Jacksons.”
So Gilgamesh took a shower and visited the Hall of Fame with a brand-new Gibson, a brand-new Fender, and a brand-new Jackson, and he attracted the rock ghosts, but Enkidu was not among them. Gilgamesh visited the temple of Enlil and said, “Enlil, I pray you will raise my friend Enkidu, who did not play Gibsons, or Fenders, or Jacksons, for he played a custom build!” but Enlil didn’t answer.
Gilgamesh went to the God Sin and said, “Sin, I pray you will raise my friend Enkidu, who did not play Gibsons, or Fenders, or Jacksons, for he played a custom build!” but Sin also did not answer.
Gilgamesh went to the God Ea and said “Ea, I pray you will raise my friend Enkidu, who did not play Gibsons, or Fenders, or Jacksons, for he played a custom build!” Ea answered and instructed that Enkidu should be allowed back to visit Gilgamesh. Upon seeing him, Gilgamesh hugged Enikdu, and asked, “Tell me, what have you seen, in the world without rock?”
Enkidu replied, ‘Do not ask me, because what I have to tell you would make you cry harder than a ballad by Poison.”
“Then I will cry!” answered Gilgamesh. And Enkidu said to him, “Those who have laid down their axes, and their instruments are laid in their cases with fretboards properly oiled, the spirit of such a rocker is at rest. But those whose guitars are let to sit out, exposed to the humidity and having cracks in their finishes, their spirits do not rest. Take good care of their guitars, and they shall rest in peace.”