“11:34AM….already?” I set my phone down.
I had slept through my first two classes, not that they were important or anything, just Biology and World Music. Biology was taught by a tangent-loving hobbit, and world music was being taught by John from Garfield so I knew I wasn’t missing much. I lay in bed for about 20 minutes going through my morning ritual. Text messages, Twitter, Instagram, and any new news on Chance the Rapper. And as usual the response was similar to what the magic conch has to offer ~Nothing~. A text message from Redbox saying I’ve “Won the Deal of a Lifetime!” when in reality all I’ve “won” is a buy-one-get-one-free movie from one of their kiosks. And Chance is still messing with me by not releasing his album. After my morning wave of disappointment I throw on some pants and a shirt and head up stairs. And who should be sitting on the couch but that beautiful girl.
Her name was Lucy. Seth, my roommate, had met Lucy about a month ago at a rave and ever since then she had been a regular visitor to the house. Not that I was complaining. At 5’10” and with hair and skin as fair as a carnival ride, Lucy resembled an angel in the flesh.
“What up, Lucy! Last night was insano in the membrano!” my poor attempt at Spanish.
“For real! You hit that old lady with car and just sat there! Good thing you listened to me and drove away or we woulda been fucked!”
I had totally forgotten about hitting that lady…I was so drunk…it wasn’t my fault.
“Anyways, are we doing the same thing tonight? Minus you mowing down Mrs. Daisy…”
“Very funny,” I said with a smile of shame on my face, “maybe we should take a break today and just watch some T.V.”
Ever since I had started hanging out with Lucy, my nights had gotten wilder and wilder, culminating in me hopping up on the curb and striking what must have been an 80 year old woman last night. I strained to remember exactly what had happened but all I remembered was seeing her fingers twitching while she lay motionless under the streetlight. And I swear I heard Lucy laughing as she told me to drive away, but what kind of person would laugh at that? It must have just been my drunkenness.
“God wants us to party and enjoy ourselves though! Ecclesiastes 2:24 ‘A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil.’ That’s straight from the Bible!” She said with a smirk. “We had some toil last night and we need to turn up and find some satisfaction in it! But if you really want to, we can just chill and watch TV.”
“Lucy! You’re killing me! If I go buy some alcohol can you promise me that nothing crazy will happen tonight?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die, nothing crazy will happen tonight, I promise you.”
“Alright, well, let me gather myself from this hangover before I take off.”
“I think I have something that can help you ‘get gathered,” She pulled out a tiny bag with some white powder in it.
“Is that blow?!”
“Even better!” she said returning my excitement, “I got this from my friend Molly and it’s the fire! Here, try som.e”
She emptied the entire bag onto the counter, making a small scarface mountain of that fine powder. There had to be at least two grams, and the look she gave me told me to do all of it- no words were needed. I leaned in as if to smell the roses and inhaled until the mountain had eroded away and my mind was racing.
“Whooo!! I’m fuckin amped and ready to go!!” My eyes darted from object to object in a blur. “What do you want to drink for tonight?”
“Ummm… how about fireball whiskey, it’s my favorite!”
“I got you! We are going to turn up tonight for God!” I said with a laugh.
“Good I’ll be waiting for you,” she chuckled.
I stumbled out to my car and fumbled with my keys for a second before I was finally able to get in. I thought for a second that maybe I was a little too fucked up to drive, but I had Lucy on my side! How could I lose?
Police Report: Case #36660
A black CRV was reported at 12:34 crashing into an electric pole. The pole was then reported to have fallen on the car causing sparks that ignited the fuel in the gas tank engulfing the car in flames. There was one fatality in the accident, the operator of the black CRV was found strapped in the car unable to escape the flames.