Archived: Sufficient by Ashley Sigala

My name is Kara and I just recently graduated from college. If I were to be honest, I thought I’d have never finished. My parents always wanted the best for me, while I wanted to move to LA and start my acting career.

I know that I had to make my parents proud and that maybe after I would get a chance to live my dream, but have that backup plan. But I was glad to be done with all the stress and late-night studying and living off red bulls. On to my next big adventure, I thought. 

When I was younger, I used to think the world would end with the sun exploding and that we would just vanish in a split second. I also thought that the world would end with a meteorite or maybe it would be something that had to do with nature or maybe the world’s choice of ending. But that wasn’t the case for me. On October 16, my world fell apart in a split second. I never knew what it was to be loved or what it was like. I had always had to be better and try harder for people to at least acknowledge me, but not with this one person. People always said wait for the right person and that you will have plenty of time but sadly for me, I felt it had to be now. Time was not in my favor. And sadly it wasn’t on his either. His name was Siderick. Kinda an interesting name but he made me the happiest I could have ever been. He made me feel special and wanted. After all, everyone deserves love, huh? Siderick would show me love in ways others said it wasn’t. But maybe I should have listened and seen what actual love was. He would get mad when I would talk to other people without letting him know but I thought I was doing him a favor so he wouldn’t have to worry. Or when he would say that I was crazy but I always told him that it was him. His love for me made me crazy. He was the type of guy to open doors for me but also slam them in front of me. 

 Somedays I ask myself how lucky I was to have an amazing boyfriend that everyone wanted but it wasn’t like that for the most part. He would say that I had to facetime him when I would arrive somewhere to make sure I was “safe”. If I had only known that it wasn’t other people who would do something to harm me but the person I thought I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. He would buy me flowers after our arguments, almost as if the flowers would heal the wounds he left. I often would think to myself about what my life would have been like if I hadn’t met him. I know this may sound foolish because sadly I can’t undo what has happened to me. His words and his actions surely matched up. On the morning of October 16, it seemed like things were getting better between me and him. We woke up that morning to the fresh breeze and the smell of a pumpkin and cream candle burning. He told me to get ready for a breakfast date he was taking me on. He gave me lots of forehead kisses. He knew I loved those. I remember arriving at Luke’s Diner which was my go-to and favorite place to eat. They had the best waffles and hash browns. We laughed and talked about old times. I hadn’t felt this feeling in such a while. Afterward, we decided to go on a walk in the park to watch the sunset. I looked down and saw that an old friend had messaged me if I was available to hang out since it had been a while and had also sent a funny meme. I started to laugh as a normal human does when looking at something funny. He took my phone before I got to respond. He asked me why I was messaging other guys. I giggled because seeing him act delusional was quite funny if you ask me, and I thought he could have been playing around. I knew he would act protective but I started to realize that maybe it wasn’t being protective but rather possessive. I tried calming him down but that didn’t work. What I needed to do when I got home was calm down this bruise that was forming on my face. He kept yelling at me and was saying that I’m a nobody and that by me being with him he makes me something. I tried not to say something back because the fear would always overtake me but I knew deep down my worth and that if you love someone you help them grow just like a flower. You nourish and water them. I kept reassuring him that he was just a friend from college and he had met him before. But his anger grew and grew. He broke my phone and bruised my arm.

Later that night, hate overtook love.