This list is ugly.
This list is all my frustrations.
I’m so frustrated I’m shaking.
I’m shaking like I’m traumatized.
I’m not.
I think.
Possibly.

My hair is longer, I am smarter, and I’m more beautiful.
Ever since I walked away from you it’s felt like my hair is growing faster.
Maybe it’s because I can notice the little things.
The pile of your things.
The posters of artists I no longer like.
The flowers I got for myself.
My dresses.
All things that I’ve brought here.
All things that I enjoyed, but need to retire for good.
Just like you.
But I never enjoyed you for long.

My throat hurts from screaming your name.
Screaming to be heard.
I wish you could’ve heard me.
Maybe you would’ve appreciated me if you could’ve seen how beautiful I am when I scream.
When I am heard.
I’m glad I’ll never have to scream for you to hear me again.
Now I can whisper sweet nothings to myself.
I always loved myself more than you anyways


I can finally run in the field and be glad you’re not with me then sad.
You would’ve never done it anyway.
Remember when I brought you here? To the field?
You stared at your phone.
If you stared at me maybe I would’ve stayed.
It would’ve been nice if you appreciated my presence as much as I did yours.
But you didn’t.
Because I would’ve stared at you all day.


I don’t think you loved me.
Not it an insecure way.
But you genuinely never showed me love without me having to show you love first.
I wanted kisses, playing with my hair, being held while I cry, rants about how much you loved me, something.
I gave you everything that I wanted.
I thought that eventually you would come around. 
You didn’t.


I wonder if your also thinking the same things as me.
If you’re listening to the same music. (Fiona Apple + Sir Chloe)
Laying in bed trying not to throw up. (I didn’t eat enough today)
I wonder if you’ve had dreams about me.
Last night I had a weird dream. I can’t remember what it was. (You were there) 
Today I stood in the shower, my legs weren’t to sore today. (I can’t go outside because of the snow)
In the shower I thought about you. (I was sad)
I wonder is I really am over you or if I’m just not angry anymore. (I’m to tired to be angry)
My heart shakes when thinking about you. (I can’t tell if I want you or not) 
The bruises on my knees remind me of you. 


Sometimes I still expect someone to come and carry me to bed.
Like you did.
I crave that.
Is it wrong that I still think we could work if we tried again?
(I’m depressed)

Is it weird that I think of you like your died?
I grieve you as a whole.
Like I will never be able to kiss you again.


When I think of us working again
The same scene plays in my mind.
I park in the space I always did.
I’m shaking this whole time.
I walk into your house, panicking.
I sit next to you, shaking, panicking, non verbal.
I hug you while I shake.
You will ask what’s wrong, and I will cry.
Because I don’t know if the shaking will ever stop.
I will power through until I learn to suppress the shaking.
You will hurt me again.
And I will say something only for it to not be fulfilled.
That again and again
And eventually I’ll be nothing.
Only thing I’ll be is yours.
I’ll be a shaking moth in a cracked glass bottle.

Is it wrong that I want that? 
(Something’s wrong with me)