Innocence by Quinn Fegel

Every death I experience brings me closer to mine.

Death happens everyday; death is natural. That never makes it easy. I am surrounded by death, some good, most bad.

The scars that line me are from death, but they originate from destructive people and destructive motives. Some in the ground already, some I’m still fighting to put in the ground.

I look down to see the stone that lies before me. The grave that is so clearly marked. Childhood. Their death was the hardest of all, but I was very surprised that they lasted this long. I walked down the row of graves, making sure to read them carefully:

Innocence.

Purity.

Honesty.

Trust. I just stood in front of this one. This one. This one is the day I lost myself. The day I made two new friends, depression and anxiety.

“Trust me”

“It’s not going to hurt”

“Stop struggling”

“I want what’s best for you”

“STOP”

Alcohol permeates the air around me as tears start to fall down my face.

“STOP”

The word bounces around in my head.

“I deserve this.”

“Okay, I trust you.”

This was the final straw. I was done living the past 6 years in pain, in fear. Depression becomes angry. He wants me to submit, he wants me to live in his vile shadow for years to come. I refuse.  A hand slides in mine. My new friends, intimacy, compassion. He doesn’t like this. He fought back. Then silence. I was done. It was over.

My shovel hits the gravel hard as I bury my old friend.

This time. I do not mourn the loss. Depression was never truly my friend; I just wanted to think he was.

This time, I have compassion and intimacy by my side. I have love. I have trust, but this is not the same trust as before. This trust is one I am not afraid of. One I will not try to push away.

I am finally happy, except one thing. I could feel the cold eyes of the red electrical mass behind me. And I know that he is angry.

This is a battle I will not lose, Anxiety will never overcome me.

Soon I will be happy.  

 

 

Bio: What drew me to my form of artistic expression? Writing is very therapeutic for me. Whether I am writing in my journal, writing a story, or doing writing for a school research paper writing has always allowed me to get ideas down on paper.