Archived: Get Out by Alexis Begeman

My palms were sweating and my heart was pounding at 100 miles per hour. I had never felt this way before. The thought of telling my mother made me sick to my stomach knowing there was no way to tell what she was going to say. After all, I am her child and she always said that she would love me no matter what. Even with her love and support throughout these years, I had an unshakable feeling that those have always been empty words.

Regardless of any reaction, I know that keeping this secret any longer will make me feel even more trapped.

It was time.

I stood in front of her bedroom door for what felt like hours. Finally, I’d mustered up enough courage to finally turn the knob ever so slightly. With the creak of the door, I knew it was too late to stop. I could see my mother sitting on her bed reading one of her many many romance novels.

“M-Mom?” I couldn’t believe she could even hear me speak with the way my voice quivered.

“How was work?”

I felt my soul cringing as I worried this may be the last time she speaks to me in a loving tone, but I needed to have this talk with her. Even though I’d carried this burden for years, the weight was too much for me to handle anymore. I wondered what it felt like to be free of secrets.  “Work was fine, mom, but I have something very serious to tell you and I hope you can still have a place in your heart for me after I tell you.”

She jumped out of her book and gave me the most concerned look.

“Alexis, I love you no matter what. Nothing could ever change how much I love you.

What’s up?”

“I-I…Well, I don’t feel like other girls. When Stacy came to stay the night for the first time I was the most nervous I had ever been. At first I didn’t know why but after a couple of months I realized that I had feelings for her.” My heart was pounding so hard I thought it might fly right out of my chest. My breathing was heavy and I could feel the drops of sweat falling from my forehead.

She didn’t say anything, just stared at me with a blank look like I wasn’t even in the room. I continued knowing if I just said the last two words, I was done. I took a huge breath and as I breathed out, I said the two most terrifying words I’ve ever spoken, “I’m gay.”

I noticed her expression had changed. She didn’t look calm or loving. Instead, she spoke the two most terrifying words…

“Get out.”