So, it turns out that there’s a lot we don’t know about life. Sure, there’s all the old manuscripts, legends and stories, but what do we really know? I’m not challenging history. What has happened has happened. But, I just wish I could go back in time sometimes. See things in their former glory. I sometimes wonder about that. Like, what would happen if I went back in time in my life? Could I change anything? I know God made it all happen for a reason. And no, that’s definitely not what I grew up hearing. I grew up hearing my mom crying and struggling to pay bills. I never wanted everything to turn out like this, all the trauma and hurt. I trust that it will all prove to be for a reason. Someday. I don’t know exactly when it all changed and when I started having a relationship with God. I just stopped trying to fix everything myself. I know I can’t change anything in my power. I can’t change what has been done, but God forgives. He forgave me. But, I’m still working on that. I can’t bring myself to do it. To forgive, I mean. If I did, I don’t know what I’d feel like. Would I feel free? Or would I feel defeated? 

Muffled footsteps brought me back to reality. 

“Hey, here he is!” A sharp voice called out, “Leo! Dude, you good? You kinda just wandered off for a minute there.”

“Yeah, Rob, I’m good. The mountains always kinda make my mind wander, can’t really help it.” I smile. I really was good. I think?

“Maybe don’t let your feet wander off with your head.” Nevaeh punched me in the shoulder.

Our laughing erupted, eliminating the silence of the night. Lucas’ laugh stole the spotlight, however. His laugh was dangerously contagious. It was the kind of laugh that makes the worst days feel better. I suppose that’s just how he is. He’s always so happy. Lucas is like sunlight, you always know when he’s there because he just… radiates.

Robert, on the other hand, doesn’t know how to laugh. He only wheezes and chokes on air. Robert doesn’t know how to do a lot of things, communicating, for starters. He’s smart, but nobody would ever know because he doesn’t make sense when he talks. He’s pretty cool though. 

Then there’s Nevaeh. Her laugh is wild. She doesn’t hold back whatsoever. It may be a wheeze, a snort, or an innocent giggle. She just lets it all out. She is so in touch with reality and down to earth, but doesn’t let that stop her from touching the sky.

The moon washes our faces in her glow, pulling me out of my reflective thoughts. Stars glittering like millions of raindrops in a thunderstorm.

“Wow.” Lucas murmured. 

Flashlights clicked off in a series of flashes. We stood there still as toy soldiers, with our eyes hungrily searching the sky. What for? We don’t know. But it felt good, like a cool shower after a long workout. Well, maybe not. Maybe it’s more like smelling spring in the winter air. Something about the peace and quiet sends a twinge of guilt through my body, reminding me of the pit in my stomach. Goosebumps raced across my arms and legs. I shouldn’t be cold. I’m wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, and yet I’m shuddering. I glance at Robert who’s back is turned to me.

“Leaving already? A bit too chilly for you Rob?” I’m such a hypocrite. I chuckle running up beside him. 

“It’s like negative degrees.” Rob stated matter-of-factly.

My eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s actually only like 4o, bud,” Lucas replied.  

“Gah!” My heart jumps, “You scared me, jeez!” 

He catches my fist and shoves me. “You should pay more attention to your surroundings. It’s dangerous to be out at night to begin with. It’s even more dangerous to not pay attention.”

“You’re not his dad, Luc,” Nevaeh sneers.

“Dad?” I gasp, looking around wildly, “Where? He came back?”

“If yours did, then maybe mine did too!” Nevaeh gasps, making an over-exaggerated surprised expression.

“Oh my gosh. Really? Real mature guys.” Lucas shakes his head. “You guys need to figure out a better way to deal with trauma.”

“It’s just a leftover coping mechanism. It’ll go away eventually,” Nevaeh grins, adjusting her beanie.

A slight slapping noise catches my attention. Somewhere in the night, Robert facepalmed. “Y’all better quiet down here shortly. We’re almost back,” He whispers.

“WHAT?” I shout.

We’ve always gotten along like this. Robert corrects and is annoyed by us, well, me. And I just continue to be obnoxious. He loves us though.

Our tents lay in a canopy of magnificent pine trees just ahead on the path, now re-lit by flashlights. The grass squelched under our feet and still smelled like rain. Perfect conditions for a campfire, and thankfully we had brought plenty of dry firewood.

“So, who has the striker thingy?” Nevaeh inquired.

“I don’t have one. I don’t even know what a ‘striker thingy’ is.” Lucas stated with a deadpan expression.

“Lucas, you know what I meant!” 

“No, I don’t,” he mumbled.

“I have it!” I snickered as I knelt, attempting to place the logs into a “log cabin” arrangement. “Could someone find some dry weeds, or like… paper?”

“It just rained.” Robert stated dryly, disappearing into the tent. He never explains what he’s thinking, so we all just gotta guess. You get used to it eventually. At least I did.

Robert reappears with notebooks in hand and a smile on his face. 

“Sweet! Thanks!” I exclaimed while taking the notebooks from his hand.

“Oooh! Can I help crumple the paper?” Nevaeh grinned.

The sound of tearing and crumpling and sparks filled the night. And more clicking and sparking noises. And still more. After many failed attempts to get the paper shoved between the logs to have enough heat to start burning, the sweet smell of burnt wood graced my nose. Something about making a fire with my own hands has always made me feel some sort of primitive power. 

“I MADE FIRE!” I yelled victoriously, and the rest of the group joined in my cacophony of excitement. It takes only a few short moments before everyone has grabbed a stick and has lit it on fire, or has at least poked the fire. 

Soaking in its warmth, Nevaeh sighed, “It’s so… alluring.”

“And hypnotic!” Lucas agreed as we all settled around the fire on log benches that had been arranged in a circular shape.

“This feels like déjà vu,” I said, while watching the flames twinkle in their eyes. 

“Well, we have been doing this every summer since freshman year. It feels more nostalgic for me,” Robert chimed in.

“I can’t believe we’re graduating this year. It feels like a dream,” Nevaeh added.

“I hope this isn’t the last time we do this trip,” I said, my heart sinking and guilt creeping into my throat.

“Why would it be the last time? None of us are going anywhere. We’re not even graduated yet! Besides, nobody has big plans anytime soon,” Robert replied, “Right? Leo?”

All eyes were on me.