Well, there I was, settin’ down at my booth in the Blackbird Diner. I was workin’ on my burger- y’know, hold the onions, add some mushrooms and a side of onion rings- when allova sudden, I see my best buddy, Darlene, rollin’ up on a gen-you-ine 1936 Harley Davidson VLD- blue’n’cream. I grabbed one more onion ring and sucked the onion out of the breadin’ as I walked out of the diner to check out my buddy’s new ride.

“Darlene McDermot,” I hollered, “that you? Where’d you ever get that bike?”

“Hiya, Madge! ‘Ol Billy from up the street was sellin’ it fer cheap. Hop on!”

So we got on the bike—Darlene in front and me in the back. We cruised ‘round town, wavin’ and grinnin’ ear to ear as Darlene showed her bike off to the whole town. Then, outta nowhere, as we’re passin’ the bank, Darlene leans over her shoulder, and says that we oughta rob it. Now, Darlene and I—we can get into trouble, but not that kinda trouble!

“C’mon, Madge,” she says, “we’ll use it for a good cause– ya only live once!”

“Alright, alright. Fine. I ain’t opposed to some Robin Hood action if ya know what I mean.” There was no earthly way I would usually agree to that, but by golly, I just—did.

“Thattagirl,” she says, “Now, follow my lead.”

Now, I don’t particularly recall what happened next—it was all kind of a blur, but I do know we came back out with more money than I’ve seen in all my 76 years combined! Well, we hopped on the bike and hustled on outta there, sirens in the distance and cops on our tails. Heck, we was downright, straight-up criminals! After a while of chasin’ and runnin’, I s’pose the cops got all tuckered out, ‘cause they just stopped chasin’ and let us go. I don’t see no earthly reason why they would let us go. Musta been my natural grace and charm. 

Anyhow, Darlene and I, we’re just scootin’ along the highway, ‘bout ten or so miles, when we show up to a big city. Awful big city with fancy people all walkin around—y’know, high and mighty-like. We saw a big sign sayin’ that my favorite play was showin’ at one of them big theatres. So in we go and there we are, front row, watchin’ the Sound of Music, when Fraulein Maria hops off the stage and asks me to come on up ‘cause they need another nun. So there I was, playin’ one of them nuns. A few minutes in, though, the whole crowd started laughin’. I’d seen the play about a gazillion times, and by golly, this wasn’t a funny part. So I look down, and realize I ain’t got no pants! When they flew off, I have no earthly idea, but they were goner than the meat on a ham bone! Folks are laughin’ and pointin’, so Fraulein Maria comes to my rescue, and chucks me her wimple. Darlene and I skedaddle outta there, Darlene drivin’ the bike, and me wearin’ a wimple for a skirt. 

After ‘bout another 10 or so miles, we came up on this massive river with a big ‘ol walkin’ bridge over it. Darlene and I, we love bird watchin’, so we decided we’d watch them seagulls fer a spell. At this point, I’ve got pants again. Not sure how, but my pants are back. Well, the geese see us and think maybe we’ve got bread for ‘em. We didn’t, so we just walked away from ‘em, but they started chasin’ us up the walkin’ bridge! We tried to pick up the pace a bit, but our feet felt like they were stuck in cement. Then more geese came. And more. And even more. The harder we tried to run away, the more aggressive those geese got. Then, suddenly, we look ahead and see a massive dump truck on the walkin’ bridge backin’ up—straight at us!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! It was comin’ faster and faster but we couldn’t even turn around to run away from the dump truck. We were standin’ there, stuck, unable to move in any direction. Geese closing in on us from one side– HONK! HONK! HONK! And that dump truck closing in on the other side—BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

With one last surge of energy, we tried to leap over the edge of the bridge into the water below. I don’t know about you, but where I’m from, hitting the water makes a splash and feels all wet—but this water made a thud and felt like my bedroom rug…

…

“Gosh, Grammy, what happened next?”

“Well, heck, boy, I have no earthly idea—that’s when I woke up!”