It began with three,
in a little house for you, you and me.
On 117 Middleview Drive,
who would have thought this would be my life?
Born the oldest of four,
forced to grow without a care in the world.
How strange it is,
the things that shaped me to today.
The past does not haunt me
but comes in tidal waves.
Happy, bliss.
Sad, uncontained.

Rapid switches of life,
showing what it is to be human.
Moving from house to house,
across the country to a foreign place.
Leaving what I had behind,
to make a new life.
Twelve I was,
twenty now.
If they could see what we have become,
what would they think?
For we have endured much,
at what cost?
Our parents have fought and fought
for reasons we now know.
Fifteen, we were forced to take care of the two little girls,
ten and eight, unaware of our fates.
Twisted and cruel, the misfortune of being used,
what was to become of our once-happy family?

Religion is what binds us,
holds us, tightens us.
Together for us, or themselves?
What kept them as one
when perhaps they were better apart?
Yet I shall never know,
for together they still are.
Arguments come and go, but does love remain?
It must not matter, for what I have become is a sin
just as much as the one she committed.
Such a crime it is to love more than our God
forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned.
I shall never love one of my own,
I shall never be true.
I shall never be me.
I shall not reveal
what, who I am to you.

Yet I cannot hide forever,
who it is, I am inside.
I am Arden,
not Audrey.
It does not change me,
for my name may be different,
but my heart is still the same.
It was never my wish to disrespect you,
but I can no longer disrespect me.
Yes, I am your child,
but no longer your daughter.
Yes, you are my mother,
but I am Arden.
Yes, you believe in your God,
but to me, he is nothing more than an excuse.
A pitiful one at that,
to excuse what you have done.
To us.
To our family.
To my brother.
To my sisters.
To my father.
To me.

Perhaps I forgive you.
For the words you spoke to me,
ones you do not remember.
But I do.
I always will,
for they are imprinted into me.
I am proof of your love
but also your mistakes.
Sure,
it has made me stronger,
but at what cost?
And why must I pay?

A cruel twist of fate,
one I still live with to this day.
For I have the scars to prove it,
scattered in fine little lines.
I am who I am,
and that will never change.
I shall love you forever,
Mother and Father,
but will you always love me?
I have grown, and I have learned,
I loved, and I have yearned.
I cannot help but always think,
for when it will be my turn.

Biography:

My name is Arden Kitchen. I decided to further my education at Aims so I can one day become an art teacher for young children. At first, I was unsure of which path I wanted to take, but after giving thought to how much I love being with children and watching as they learn, discover, and harness their curiosity, I want to see that on a day-to-day basis. After I complete my Studio Arts degree at Aims, I plan to attend CSU for an Early Childhood Education Degree. This poem holds a great deal of significance for me, as it embodies who I am and what I have endured throughout my life. I hold my family dear to me, as I have stated in my poem, yet they have always caused me great pain, but also joy. Family means a lot to me, but I’ve had to distance a part of myself to be able to discover who I am aside from my family. There have been struggles, losses, but immense happiness and growth. The poem explores my life from a child to the adult I am today. I have been shaped into a person through my trials and experiences. The past can’t change, but I can change how I see the future, and who I decide to be. The poem comes from a deep part of me, the parts I don’t often share. Although I have endured much in my life, I sometimes don’t see it as comparable to what others have gone through. In the grand scheme of things, what I’ve endured is as bad as others’. Nonetheless, it has taken much emotional maturity to come to terms with what I’ve gone through. This poem embodies that growth, and I’m fortunate to be able to share it with others.